Evaluative Praise vs. Descriptive Praise
Many parents with good intentions use evaluative praise with their children without recognizing it. Many of our own parents used evaluative praise with us as children so it’s second nature to pass this along in our parenting. Of course, recognizing our children’s positive behavior is more likely to build self-esteem than dwelling on problems but praise is not always uplifting.
Praise such as, “you’re so wonderful … perfect … great” can be too much for anyone to take, especially children. Think about how you feel when someone tells you how attractive you are or remarks on your cooking. Do you feel manipulated, threatened, or doubtful? Many people react negatively to praise because we don’t notice that the comment is positive, we notice that it is a judgment.
Evaluative praise:
- General rather than specific, usually delivered with exclamation
- The child knows that the parent is giving this specific praise because the parent loves the child rather than appreciating the specifics of what the child has done
- The child does not tend to believe the parent when parent uses evaluative praise
- It can trigger the child’s shame
- It can make the child feel worse or that they could have done better
- It does not increase the child’s confidence, development, self-reliance or cooperation
- It can foster perfectionism i.e., the child desires to do things perfectly in order to gain the approval of others
Descriptive praise:
- Is delivered in a calm, casual voice rather than as an exclamation
- Is about noticing and describing the things that the child does (you can think of it like a sportscaster – stating what the child is doing but offering no evaluations)
- Is about noticing process rather than product i.e., effort rather than outcome
- Strengthens the parent-child relationship because the parent is more aware of the child’s effort
- Is the most powerful motivator and training tool
- Is used to convey values and rules
- Increases child’s ability to accept disappointment
- Increased child’s self-esteem, cooperation, and development of social/emotional skills
Descriptive praise builds a child’s self-esteem with two parts, the first is that the parent describes what the child has done. For example, “I see you are ready to go to school, you have your coat on and you even put your toys away.” Second, after hearing what she has done, the child praises herself. (“I know how to plan ahead and be responsible.”) Descriptive praise does not foster a constant need to seek approval from others like evaluative praise. Descriptive praise builds the child’s self-esteem and fosters looking within themselves for approval. They learn to make corrections based on their own evaluations rather than molding their behavior around what makes us smile or give them the positive words they crave.
Ask yourself, does my praise make my child more dependent upon me and my approval, or do my words help them see their strengths and give them a clearer picture of their abilities and accomplishments?
Practice Using Descriptive Praise
Using descriptive praise with your child takes more effort, skill and attention than using evaluative praise. For example, when your child helps you carry a heavy load of groceries, instead of saying “You’re so strong!” try descriptive praise with, “Thank you for your help with that heavy load.”
Remember descriptive praise has two parts: 
- Describe what you see and hear.
- Describe what you feel.
Name three things your child does that you might want to praise. Describe what your child does. Share your comments with your child.
(P.S. The book below is excellent if you’d like more in-depth information.)
Reference:
Faber, A. and Mazlish, E. (2012) How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. New York: Scribner.
Parenting